a recipe

Cranberry Nut Bars

It's funny how much I love to bake after the pressure of the holidays is over!

These are so easy to make.  I have modified a Kashi recipe that I cut out of a Seven in the Morning cereal box several years ago.  I can't find Seven in the Morning (which has changed to this) in our local stores anymore, so I use grape nuts.

I play with the amount of sugar and oil, depending on the occasion.  When I make them for Z, I go low on the sugar, using primarily agave nectar and apple sauce - or shredded carrots!  Sometimes I add more yogurt in place of oil.

They are always yummy - and better than cookies because you can rationalize eating them at any time.

1 cup grape nuts
3/4 cup rolled oats
1/2 cup flour
1/2 cup of chopped nuts
3/4 cup of dried cranberries
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1 tsp. vanilla
2/3 cup sugar
6 oz. yogurt
1 egg
1/3 cup sunflower or canola oil

Oven to 350 F.
Combine all dry ingredients in one bowl & all wet ones in another.
Mix.
Pour into a cookie sheet, flatten, and bake for 20-25 minutes.  Allow to cool in the pan...and then hide one so you will get a taste before they are all gone!

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subtle shifting

I'd hoped for a release around this time.  I'd planned to write out my birth and hospital experience with Z..in the dark, and let it go with light.  The time was not right, so I didn't force it.

Instead, I stuck to my plan to just being, slowing down - before I hurry!  Z and I went for longer walks, stopping frequently for any reason.  I let myself fall asleep with the snug bug when he napped, catching up on some long lost sleep.  I realized once again that it's not about my obligations, expectations, etc....I am choosing the stressful route at most junctures.

I quietly visited the space I thought I'd go to in labor, if things had gone well, and said a few things out loud.  A small release.  And maybe that is how it will be.  Time will continue to shift the pain of this unchangeable past experience.  Or maybe the story will come when I'm least expecting it.

The night before....my most vivid dream was of a golden sphere appearing in the sky with the sound of thunder.  It burst into millions of pieces high above me...and I waited until the fragments, like grains of sand, fell upon me.  In the dream I thought, last time this happened I was scared, but now I am not.  All day...this dream kept surfacing.

As the sun set Z and I planted the poppy seeds I had been saving for years.  Those intricate pods are almost too beautiful to crush.  Perfect little star shakers with seeds like blue sky grains of sand.  Z was excited about the entire process.  Dancing to the shaker sound.  Spinning until he fell as he cast the seeds.  His idea.  And humoring me with a moment to snap a picture before he could jupt the pods.

It's back to the busyness when Z awakes from his nap, but I'm in a much better place.  The cold outside has lifted and we are healthy again.  Instead of cookies, I am baking cranberry nut bars.  Instead of cooking several dishes we are having a tortilla bake on our day of guests.  Instead of stressing on any of it, I'm now looking forward to seeing everyone.

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laugh lines

So...while purchasing wine for the holiday festivities at the grocery store today I was carded.

I ignore the checker, thinking she just needs a closer look.  Flash - there is my 39 year old smile, sweet, hard-earned wrinkles and all.

I need to see your driver's license.  Again!

Seriously?  I laugh.  Z laughs.

Uh huhhhh.  The hip, twenty-something checker was dead serious.  She was not letting my bottles pass through without an ID.

You can see that I'm old, right?

I can't really tell, ma'am.

But you are calling me ma'am!  

All this because I thought my driver's license was still in my coat pocket...but finally it is found in my tiny purse.

The checker sighs, and laughs loudly.  Snorts a bit.

You look younger.  Really, you do. 

I laugh along.  Ha haaa, this is so funny...  Nobody looks 18 years younger.  I pack up my own groceries and walk out of this silly experience.

The only thing I can conclude is that the drinking age in Texas was recently raised to 35.

Nonetheless, my day was made!

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quiet solstice

Glorious day here.  A moody swirling sky offering up luminous sunstreams on deep shades of blue.  purple.  tangerine...  I tried to take it all in, despite a head cold (and a head trip) that has me wanting to hide away.  Forget the get togethers, the have-to-see yous for the holiday, the obligatory presents...  This is winter, darkness, the perfect time for going within.  I feel it so strongly this year.  I sense it in the faces on the street.  The intensity.  The hurriedness....insanity, in some cases, of this season.  Don't we all need a little space?  Introspection?  A hot bath?

Yet, I've committed to being here, doing this, making that.  I'll keep the commitments, but for the next 2 days, I will commit to me, just being me.  Letting this cold work it's way through, rather than trying to trudge on, angry that it is slowing me down.  Letting the things that must be done wait.

Because maybe then I'll remember:
The joy in baking 1000 cookies.  (Or, I will buy oranges instead.)
The love of making a gift that speaks to the heart of the receiver rather than answering to the hurriedness of my hands.  (Or I will unabashedly give the gift of love instead.)
The simplicity of just being present with others, chosen or not.  (Dishes finished or not.)
The laughter that reduces the silliness of it all!  (Red wine on the grocery list.)
The ability to lighten the expectations we have for each other and these few days out of one big year.  (We are one.)

And next year?  I'll either have figured it all out, forgotten it all, or have flown off to Costa Rica.  But tonight I am falling into an eucalyptus bath, blowing out the candles, and letting the darkness find me.

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handmade love

Claudia of OliviosARTstudio is having a December giveaway - an excellent reason or excuse to grab a cup of coffee and take in her (and her husband's) inspiring work.

enjoy!

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jade zen

In case you don't already know, I'm giving this one away over here.  I find myself calling this zen style necklace "not your mother's jade".
I remember my mother being quietly disappointed after receiving a jade necklace for her birthday over 30 years ago, so when I found myself shying away from using jade in my jewelry, I had to laugh at the reason....and, then, create the above.


May surprising gifts come your way this holiday season!

☀

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why we walk

..and didn't you know...you get to know things better when they go by slow....
poi dog pondering
(reliving my college daze)

Almost every morning Z and I spend about 45 minutes getting ready to go-go out the door for a walk that will probably last the same amount of time.  It's so very worth it.  Mama has her "fly time".  Thoughts uninterrupted. Relaxing in movement....until there are no shoulds or shouldn'ts.  No constrictions on body or mind.  Ommmm....the dream, right?

And then it's Z's turn.  We stop at a trail or a small park, and he "plee-ays".

Sometimes we have been too close, too cooped up and he shows me he needs space.  Interestingly enough, he only demonstrates this need when we are outdoors.

At the trail, he charges out of the stroller and finds solitude behind a tree, or walks while I walk, but in his own direction, spinning around if I get too close.
I let him be.

Three minutes.  Fifteen.  And he is ready to be by my side, in my lap, on my shoulders.  We find brightly colored moose (moss) and big dicks (big sticks) to draw pictures and letters.  We draw his favorite, an E.  Every letter is E.

Then we walk and run, skip & jump.  Z tells me that the rocks have eyes, noses and ears.  He's not so sure about mouths.

On a good day I hear everything.  Forgetting time.  Forgetting diapers.  Oops.

We go-go again!  Z walks up a steep trail with me behind him, ready to catch him, my independent little guide.

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in my hands

hep cat artworks ceramics and cypress sun necklace 

Again I am in my grandmother's house.  Living there?  Visiting?  I never know and always wonder.

Lots of movement.  The little old home is bright and glowing.  So many people are busily moving about, and I realize I've been there for a long time and haven't talked to Grandma.  I see her flitter through in the periphery of whatever is happening, but she is busy.  Suddenly, she is next to me, but I do not really see her.

In my hands are jewels, snapshots of my life.  I am showing someone, many someones, then just Grandma.  My heart is so open as though something tremendous is occurring!  There are jewels I made when I was twenty, a childhood necklace, older, younger and back again to now - and fragmented images I've never seen.

What is this?  I must know?  A hint of future - jewels & beyond?

I consciously attempt to slow down the time, the movement around me, to encourage my grandma who is now flying away in her sequined wedding gown to come back down and help me.  Help me to see what is right in front of me.

Leaning closer and closer to myself I try so hard to see more, but lose focus completely.  In this luminous space with laughter...and dancing(?) surrounding me, I am confused and ashamed.  Why can't I see what everyone else can?

Finally, after what seems like hours and hours, I make out my grandma's understanding, welcoming laughter in the midst of all this transfixing chaos, and wake with a surprised smile.



The grandmother in my dreams has been dead for over 10 years.  While she was on the planet, she did not flitter anywhere.  She was a hefty woman who made her proud presence known and spoke her never-quiet mind at all times.  After she passed on, I began to have increasingly vivid dreams that took place in her old farmhouse with guest appearances by her, usually in her wedding gown!  After ten years of these nighttime escapades, I can finally admit that she has let me in on lots of insights, pointed me in better directions, and been a source of inspiration that I could not find in her when she was alive.  My fairytale grandmother?  Just dreamland nonsense?  I'll let the mystery be.  

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handmade love

Because I'm always talking about my life as a journey, I love the colors chosen by Julia of painted path.  Her paintings are a window to a happy heart.  A laugh uninhibited.  Nature's inviting beauty..  Go see...more!

And...lucky day.  Julia has a GIVEaway going on right now on her thought provoking blog.  Go see...and follow if you like to be encouraged by an open heart.

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4 years ago today

At the very end of a tumultuous relationship, ready to jump off a cliff - or fly, I closed the door on the world that was noisily knocking and sat down to write.  There was no prelude to this exercise, other than a constant aching inside.  So...in ten short minutes I had my list.  This is what I wanted in a relationship.  This is what I planned to work on...wait at least six years for...travel the globe to find.  This is it.  It's messy.  It's silly.  It's amazingly everything I found when I finally opened that closed door.

consistency ~ honesty ~ trust ~ reliability ~ closeness ~ respect ~ encouragement ~  dreaming ~ freedom to be, within commitment ~ relaxation, ability to be ourselves ~ fun together & alone ~ enjoyment of each other ~ enjoyment of ourselves alone ~ physical intimacy that is comfortable & passionate ~ commonalities, enough to keep us together ~ differences, enough to keep us individuals ~ harmony ~ independence balance with dependence ~ ease of being ~ forgiveness ~ peace ~ excitement, but just as much excitement about our own personal interests ~ development of my personal interests before I become involved in someone else's ~ solitude, quiet time apart ~ quiet time together ~ happiness from within, operating from a positive space ~ an energy that is stronger, more brilliant when we are together, but doesn't fade when we are apart ~ individuality ~ spiritual compatibility ~finding my sense of happiness, inner joy & radiance before committing to another ~ a relationship that can be brought out into the light, we can go anywhere & be happy & in love in front of anyone & everyone...bringing wholeness & light to the world ~ laughter, humor is essential ~ acceptance, but not to a fault, an understanding critic can be helpful ~ sharing in home responsibilities ~ cooking & enjoying food together ~ love for life ~ love for family & finding it ~ love for exploring new places, big & small...knowing that any place can be an adventure.

I have a habit of throwing out random things that I've written when I come across them.  (On an extreme level, I tossed all of my old journals into the chimenea when I was pregnant!)  So I decided to "save" this one here.  To simply let myself revel in the wonder of the universe.  To comprehend the power of letting the divine in on my little secrets, my wishes, my soul.  To take in the possibility of all that can be....on this inspiring journey.

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